No Free Lunch

There’s a hot new commodity on the pop-culture scene, and she seems to be everywhere. From White House partycrasher Micaele Salahi to that  chick who flipped a table on Real Housewives of New Jersey, America has been invaded by trophy wives.

At first it was pretty hilarious. I was suckered into watching a few episodes of Real Housewives of Atlanta and I have to admit, the world of crazy drama and excess these women lived in was entertaining.

That lasted all of 15 minutes, though. Then I realized something shocking: other women–educated, intelligent, accomplished women–actually aspired to be like these people on TV–to be trophy wives!

On a certain level, I do get why women of my generation think this is an attractive way to live: on the surface, it seems like these housewives live fabulous lives. They don’t work, seem to spend all day pampering themselves, spending money, and barely pay attention to their kids. Oh, and their husband gives them all the money they need.  Man= meal ticket, right?

That would be a NO. There’s no free lunch, ladies!

I think a lot of young women have conveniently forgotten that there was entire era (say, like most of this century) where women were “trophy wives”, completely financially dependent on their husbands. As I seem to recall, a pretty shitty time for women’s rights. That was no coincidence. What’s interesting here is that people forget that very important paradigm: Money is power.

That holds true for states, companies, and for relationships. So it all boils down to this: when a man has all the money, he has all the power. Essentially, a woman financially dependent on her husband is at his mercy: If he wants to drop you for the next chick who catches his fancy, he can. And when he does, your ass is toast because you have no money of your own. You want to go on a trip to a place you like, but he doesn’t? Too bad. Let’s make this even better: you want to buy contraception, but he doesn’t want you to take the pill. Can you buy it with your own money? Oh wait, you don’t have any!

Being a “trophy” wife, a housewife,  is not a win-win situation. Sure, you don’t work- but there is a huge price to pay: Your autonomy, self-determination, and individual agency. Not to mention, not being able to buy those Manolo Blahniks that truly belong to you . So I don’t envy those Real Housewives women one bit. My money is my own.

What’s Love Got to Do With It?

the good times?

It all started with Chris Brown and Rihanna.

I used to like Chris Brown’s music. Hell, I even helped choreograph a dance to the “Kiss Kiss” song. He seemed like a innocent, baby-faced teenager in all his videos and interviews. With her unique style and uber-popular club records, Rihanna seemed poised for pop stardom.

Well, that was until all of America got word that prior to the Grammys, the squeaky-clean Mr. Brown beat the living shit out of his (hopefully by now- ex) girlfriend Rihanna, who called the cops for help. Apparently, she had “grotesque” cuts and bruises all over her face and neck, and has disappeared into seclusion. Meanwhile, Chris B. posted bail and is looking at the possibility of jail time.

Superstar coupledom…ends in some good-old fashioned beating.

Rihanna’s gained a country-wide following of sympathizers, for good reason. In a perverse way, domestic violence couldn’t have asked for a better posterchild: a beautiful, young celebrity with everything she could ask for, no shortage of confidence and success- made to suffer at the hands of an equally famous and well-liked boyfriend. Message to the masses: anyone–ANYONE–can be victim of domestic violence.

These headlines are sensational to be sure. By treating this as a celebrity-centered story, we lose sight of one important truth: 1 in 3 women in the United States will be the victim of violence inflicted by a partner or family member. These women are your friends, your teachers, your aunts, sisters, and cousins. They are white, black, Asian and everything in between–rich, middle class and poor. And trust me, at one point in all of your lives, it will hit close to home.

I remember the story of Rebecca Griego , pictured here, in particular. Rebecca worked at Gould Hall, University of Washington’s School of Architecture, down the street from where I went to school. I walked in front of that building every day on the way to class. I had lecture a floor below where she worked.

On the morning of April 2 2o07, Griego’s ex-boyfriend Jonathan Rowan entered Gould Hall. He rode up to the fourth floor where she worked. There, around 9 AM, Rowan shot Rebecca in the head once. Then he shot himself. Both died before police came on the scene. I remember seeing that yellow crime scene tape draping the stairwell that I used to walk through every morning.

In the wake of tragedies like this, people often rally and organize. I wonder though, what are we doing for those who are living day in and day out with the threat of personal harm from a partner or family member? I wonder what drives men to beat and batter the women who are closest to them? And WHY is this the rule rather than the exception?

It is a known fact that boys who grow up in families plauged by domestic violence grow up to be batterers. It’s also known that in certain cultures, men consider it their right to exercise violent forms of punishment against their female family members. But it is easy to find exceptions to all of these as well, as noted above.

Rather, I think the answer lies in the use of violence and its portrayal in society, and how that is connected to ideas of masculinity. I think all too often, we try to dismiss partner violence as some kind of psychological problem. It isn’t. It is a societal issue, and one that transcends racial and economic boundaries. We focus on women as survivors/victims, which is all well and good, but I think it’s high time we looked real closely at the idealization of masculinity in our society. What does it mean to be a man? Better yet, what does it mean to be a man in a relationship, and what how does that connect to ideas of power, violence, and control?

In a nutshell, men need to start taking some responsiblity for the problem of domestic violence as much as women. Women should not be the only ones organizing to combat this problem. In order to educate the next generation (if Chris B. and Rihanna are any indication, very few young’ns have gotten the message that that shit is WRONG), a united front of men and women is needed.  Only then can we begin to address their issue in a truly constructive way.

some stats:

According to the U.S. Department of Justice, between 1998 and 2002:

• Of the almost 3.5 million violent crimes committed against family members, 49% of these were crimes against spouses.
• 84% of spouse abuse victims were females, and 86% of victims of dating partner abuse at were female.
• Males were 83% of spouse murderers and 75% of dating partner murderer.

Relationshipolitik

FYI: This is gonna be a departure from my more “traditional” politically-oriented writespeak. But as I always say, politics are everywhere!

Romantic relationships have always occupied a unique place in American society. Endless rom-com TV shows, movies, and novels have been written about finding that “one true love” and in what context (marriage, tragedy, adultery, comedy–in no particular order). What’s funny is that there seems to be a real reluctance to politicize this stuff–to look at and criticize the realm of romantic attachment as a unique social and cultural contract, ever changing and always controversial.

Case in point: As a twenty-something who came of age in the post- dot com/millenial (apparently that’s what its called now) era, the hookup culture is a huge part of our social scene.  The NY Times recently published a commentary on the “Demise of Dating”. It suggests that the “hookup” (i.e. two people having a brief, seemingly random romantic attachment, which may or may not involve sex) has completely replaced dating–the requisite going out to dinner, lunch, or movie–as the context for romantic relationships.

So is this really the case? Is the hookup culture universal? And what does it really mean, anyway?

I’m not going to argue that the folks at NYT were completely off the mark. They aren’t. But it speaks to a subset of our society, and ignores the many cultural, social, and political factors that play into phenomenon. Take the gender binary, for example (I’m going to go with the straight-person perspective here). The way we as young people perceive relationships has a lot do with the gender equity and the balance of power between men and women.

If anything, I think that this sort of culture downplays emotional connection, trust, and mutual respect. The current status quo, heavily favors the dude side of things. Yes, there are women who believe that the playing field has been equalized to some degree, but I would argue that what has happened instead is a lowering of expectations. Young women no longer expect to be treated respectfully and have their companionship treated as a privilege. Men as absolved of any responsibility towards earning a woman’s trust before anything further happens. And whether you believe that marriage the stable nexus around to which raise a family: stable, lasting relationships are. I really don’t think our current culture is conducive to that.

Secondly, I would argue that the hookup culture is far from universal. America is a rapidly diversifying nation. People come from all sorts of religious, cultural, and native traditions that teach different attitudes with regards to marriage, sex, etc. Take Islam, for example, which stresses the marriage contract as the basis for male-female romantic relationships. As a result, young Muslims raised in the U.S. are exposed to radically different conceptualizations of how men and women should relate: through a traditional marriage framework based on religion, and the dating/hookup scene. Whether or not you agree one is more “right” than the other is a moot point. The reality is, we end up with some strange in-between. People date/hookup/etc at school or away from home, and among family they prescribe to tradition. What does this mean for our future? I really can’t say.

So what does our culture of romantic relationships say about our generation in general? I’ve given my opinion, but the discussion is far from over. Only the future will tell.