What’s Love Got to Do With It?

the good times?

It all started with Chris Brown and Rihanna.

I used to like Chris Brown’s music. Hell, I even helped choreograph a dance to the “Kiss Kiss” song. He seemed like a innocent, baby-faced teenager in all his videos and interviews. With her unique style and uber-popular club records, Rihanna seemed poised for pop stardom.

Well, that was until all of America got word that prior to the Grammys, the squeaky-clean Mr. Brown beat the living shit out of his (hopefully by now- ex) girlfriend Rihanna, who called the cops for help. Apparently, she had “grotesque” cuts and bruises all over her face and neck, and has disappeared into seclusion. Meanwhile, Chris B. posted bail and is looking at the possibility of jail time.

Superstar coupledom…ends in some good-old fashioned beating.

Rihanna’s gained a country-wide following of sympathizers, for good reason. In a perverse way, domestic violence couldn’t have asked for a better posterchild: a beautiful, young celebrity with everything she could ask for, no shortage of confidence and success- made to suffer at the hands of an equally famous and well-liked boyfriend. Message to the masses: anyone–ANYONE–can be victim of domestic violence.

These headlines are sensational to be sure. By treating this as a celebrity-centered story, we lose sight of one important truth: 1 in 3 women in the United States will be the victim of violence inflicted by a partner or family member. These women are your friends, your teachers, your aunts, sisters, and cousins. They are white, black, Asian and everything in between–rich, middle class and poor. And trust me, at one point in all of your lives, it will hit close to home.

I remember the story of Rebecca Griego , pictured here, in particular. Rebecca worked at Gould Hall, University of Washington’s School of Architecture, down the street from where I went to school. I walked in front of that building every day on the way to class. I had lecture a floor below where she worked.

On the morning of April 2 2o07, Griego’s ex-boyfriend Jonathan Rowan entered Gould Hall. He rode up to the fourth floor where she worked. There, around 9 AM, Rowan shot Rebecca in the head once. Then he shot himself. Both died before police came on the scene. I remember seeing that yellow crime scene tape draping the stairwell that I used to walk through every morning.

In the wake of tragedies like this, people often rally and organize. I wonder though, what are we doing for those who are living day in and day out with the threat of personal harm from a partner or family member? I wonder what drives men to beat and batter the women who are closest to them? And WHY is this the rule rather than the exception?

It is a known fact that boys who grow up in families plauged by domestic violence grow up to be batterers. It’s also known that in certain cultures, men consider it their right to exercise violent forms of punishment against their female family members. But it is easy to find exceptions to all of these as well, as noted above.

Rather, I think the answer lies in the use of violence and its portrayal in society, and how that is connected to ideas of masculinity. I think all too often, we try to dismiss partner violence as some kind of psychological problem. It isn’t. It is a societal issue, and one that transcends racial and economic boundaries. We focus on women as survivors/victims, which is all well and good, but I think it’s high time we looked real closely at the idealization of masculinity in our society. What does it mean to be a man? Better yet, what does it mean to be a man in a relationship, and what how does that connect to ideas of power, violence, and control?

In a nutshell, men need to start taking some responsiblity for the problem of domestic violence as much as women. Women should not be the only ones organizing to combat this problem. In order to educate the next generation (if Chris B. and Rihanna are any indication, very few young’ns have gotten the message that that shit is WRONG), a united front of men and women is needed.  Only then can we begin to address their issue in a truly constructive way.

some stats:

According to the U.S. Department of Justice, between 1998 and 2002:

• Of the almost 3.5 million violent crimes committed against family members, 49% of these were crimes against spouses.
• 84% of spouse abuse victims were females, and 86% of victims of dating partner abuse at were female.
• Males were 83% of spouse murderers and 75% of dating partner murderer.

“I Hate Homeless People”

Or so said the fourth year medical student, doctor-to-be, who shall remain nameless.

Mind you, it was in a context. I was in a conversation where the topic of homeless people on the street came up. But when I heard this comment, I didn’t know whether ot burst out laughing or to completely snap at them, like “What the hell did the homeless ever do to you, you self-absorbed prick?”

I happen to be a first year medical student. I usually try to keep medicine/medical related topics completely off this blog, but this time, I found it difficult not to. There are a few things that have been bothering me deeply about medical school, namely the attitudes of some of the people I’m surrounded by. Mind you, everyone who has made it this far has gone through a ridiculous vetting process. MCAT, interview, brutal four years of undergrad, crazy extracurriculars, the whole nine yards.  Pardon me for assuming that compared to the general populace, doctors and medical students are more empathetic.

Man, was I wrong.

All you have to do is to hang out in class for awhile and you start feeling increasingly disturbed by what you hear. Hate for the homeless is the least of it. I can say for surety that a good portion of people are in school because a) mommy or daddy is paying for it b)everyone in their damn family is a doctor and c) they want to make tons of money and really don’t give a rat’s shit about saving lives, helping people, etc etc.  Let’s take that further. There are people who actually actively look DOWN on poor people and the impoverished of other nations. There are folks who not only bash primary care medicine, but also those who are choosing that as a career (which by the way, includes me?)

I’m not sure I can give an explanation. Maybe we’re already experiencing burnout, which supposedly decreases empathy? Or maybe the med school admissions process is becoming douchebag friendly? I have no idea. All I do know is that to think that these people will be in charge of human lives one day scares me shitless. The lack of empathy, caring, or plain awareness is going to make for yet another cadre of noncaring asshole doctors who see dollar signs and not patients.  What if I was in the shoes of a patient being treated? That thought is perhaps the scariest one of all.

Angry Little Girls

Preemptive Strike

“Sticks and stones may break my bones…but words will never hurt me.”

Whoever came up with that saying…is obviously not a female!

As any conscious woman on planet Earth knows, words are incredibly powerful weapons. So are relationships–especially when used against another female. But lest we forget, a girl must always be outwardly nice to everyone. Hence what becomes a girls’ “gun” of choice: emotional blackmail. Outward aggression, anger is most certainly taboo. 

Media has picked up this in the last few years. Movies like “Mean Girls” and groundbreaking books like “Odd Girl Out” have brought the unique world of female aggression into the harsh light of day. The social wars that women wage with one another are no secret. 

The more important question: why do women suppress their anger? 

I happen to a girl, and as someone who gets continually pissed off by things going on around the world (hence the title of the blog, folks!) I have a complex relationship with my anger. It inspires me, it drives me, it is righteous, it is irrational, it is strengthening, it is disturbing–and often suppressed, because girls can’t be angry. “Thou Must be Nice”.

Society has labels for Angry Little Girls: “Bitch” and “Psycho” come to mind. And neither of these has a positive correlation. Perhaps this is why outward aggression is so taboo: no one wants to be labeled as crazy. In my view, the crazy idea is that this is taboo in the first place. A woman cannot be “nice” all the time. We feel rage, anger, negative emotion and the like as much as any dude. Except not only do we have to control our feelings, we have to suppress them. We must deny them.

Pardon me if I don’t think that’s right!

I’m going to throw this out there: Why do you think anger is considered an unnatural expression for women? Give me your thoughts!